Human's are pack animals. It is in our very dna to be a part of a pack for our very survival. Written and encoded deep within each of us long ago is a structure which instinctively guarantees the survival of our species. It is so beautifully written that we have evolved to the point (along with our mental ability to plan for the future) of human beings enjoying the status of being at the top of the very food chain.
When we become involved in a relationship, we form a team, or a pack, with the members of the "family" working toward a goal or two or possibly a hundred, the point being that we work as a team toward common goals. If this relationship dissolves for any reason the common goals are now left in the wind, unfinished.
The dissolution may happen with the death of one of the team members or through a divorce (decision not to continue in the relationship by any party). It really does not matter why one (or more) of the parties is no longer continuing their part of the common goal, the fact is that a piece of the plan to meet the goal is lost. At this point the process of achieving the end goal is in crisis or is dissolved along with the lost relationship. When a child transitions through death this is the case, the end goal of watching that child grow into whatever s/he is destine to become is gone along with our part within this particular team. In the case of a marriage (including life partnerships) the common goals are also now irrelevant.
I believe this is why so many of us stay in a bad relationship for much longer than those around us believe prudent. Those outside of this team are not privy to the goals, dreams and desires which were born of this relationship. Often we stay not for our team mates but for the goal itself. This is seen quite clearly in the case of Parents who remain together for the sake of the children then part when the children are grown.
When a team ceases to exist we often grieve the loss of the partner in many ways but do we also spend time understanding and grieving the common lost goals? In my personal case, I decided that many of the goals of my team mate (Husband) were not ones in which I wished to participate but there were others which were very important to me. To stop participating in some of the common goals, I had to choose to also stop participating in the goals which were important to me. The lack of this understanding almost killed me.
We are instinctively team players by design. This is what I personally miss about not working outside of the home. It is not the money because that can be made in many ways but it is that working together on a common goal with others. It is being a part of the team. This I did not have as a child, for whatever reason (perhaps to come to this very understanding). I never felt a part of the family team, an outcast, one that was there to support but not be a part of the team itself. As an adult, no one had explained this important portion of our genetic make up therefore I did not fully grieve all portions of lost relationships including those of my childhood.
The relationship I am in currently provides every ingredient required to be a full team of two. We work hard toward common goals, each doing our part to make it happen. She is the primary wage earner but she also is very sensitive to my own personal part toward achieving our goals. She makes certain that I know how very important I am to our success. It is almost foreign to every other relationship in my life, except for a portion of time spent while being a part of helping a company recover from bankruptcy (oh that was FUN).
Often, I jump too quickly into a situation due to this need to be a part of a team. All it has taken is having that feeling of being a part of the team and off I go full blast to help someone else achieve a goal. This has been abused more times than I can count by others simply wanting to use me. Afterwards I sit, crying, and scratching my head while trying to figure out what I did wrong when in actuality I did nothing wrong, I just was not a part of the team.
Oh how I hate being the kid that no one picked to be on their side until only two or three of us were left standing on the line waiting to be chosen. As an adult, I still hate this feeling.
How is this understanding going to help? Still trying to figure that out this morning but perhaps by clearly seeing which goals are mine jointly and which I am just trying to fill a gap within myself we will figure this thing out.
Team Sho....... you are first pick!!!! Whatever we choose as a goal... we can do this... LIFE.... together. Today I will be working on my own personal, life mission statement.
For those of us who are lost... this has really helped me.... going to share it with you.
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