I've adopted a new saying. It is very true. I don't really concern myself with who likes or dislikes me. Yes, I love having mutually enjoyable company but the other, well it seems like wasted energy. My new life theme is: I only have one enemy and its name is Fear. This works for me as the theme of my life has been fear in one form or another almost daily until 2 years ago (28 months, 22 days and 12 hours to be more exact).
What happened two years ago? For all intense and purposes, I committed suicide without dying. It was necessary to live. I left everything and everyone (except my Life Partner) behind and one by one, in the best way that I knew how, died to them. Slowly over the past two years the fear has subsided to the point of actually having days when it is barely present.
The final phase of this undying suicide will be attempting to get my social security number changed and then a name change to follow. I can have no life without fear without accomplishing these final endings. Why? I am in a strange holding type of place, unwilling to go backward and road blocks going forward.
If I go forward the fear, based on past experience, is that my earning power will once again be used. I can not repair my credit for this same reason. As long as my credit is trash it can not be used to create more debt without my knowledge. Even if my 3rd told me that he would not use any favorable resources that I might have, I would not believe it. I believed that was impossible once but never again. Even if he were sincere, sad isn't it? So because I refuse to initiate divorce, contact him in any way even through people we once knew in common, or believe any kindness that does not have an ulterior motive there are few other avenues available except to attempt to finish off the person I once was legally.
Changing my social security number, if they will allow it without my being required any contact with him, will be a step toward claiming a new life. I can then be assured that he will not have the new number and it will be obvious if he attempts to access any records of mine. He will also be unable to sneak further attempts at making me responsible for his tax situation through the Governmental cracks by continuing to claim me as joint/married. I can then be free to take care of the debt that I've allowed to just stagnate as my way of stopping him from using me financially in the present. This would go a very long way toward reclaiming my self esteem. I hate not taking care of business on purpose, it is the same as theft no matter how I turn it over in my mind.
The next step would be a legal name change which would or should complete the death of the person I was.
I have no desire to "hide" from any responsibilities that are owed or owned. I have a keen desire to go forward with my life, take care of my former responsibilities and stop living with this type of fear. I suppose what is spurring this to the surface is that I need to change my drivers license and the moment that hits the public records............... he will know exactly where I am.
It is time to do something so we will see what is possible.
The only enemy that I have is Fear and it is time to address it in any passive way I can.
No comments:
Post a Comment