Tonight I went to a wedding. We dressed in black and red as requested, I wore makeup, heels and my hair was back in a banana clip nicely straightened rather than pulled up into a pony tail. I bathed in lavender bubble bath right before going and used mouth wash and brushed my teeth within minutes of leaving the house but still the cloud of social anxiety over shadowed.
I spoke with Party Girl and all of the others, asking for help as I, Sho the core, am not accustom to going to an outing with a lot of other people. They calmly stayed near me, at the ready if I could not handle it but we did.
This time, however, we saw things that we have never seen before. It is so very confusing because I/we try to hard not to be envious or jealous yet tonight I sat at the table and wondered about this family and IF that is what family is suppose to be like.
We watched as the wedding party danced with the Dad then the Mom then we watched as everyone danced a line dance, including the parents. We watched as everyone formed a circle so people could dance in the middle (don't know what it is called) and both the Mother, Father and Siblings all danced for a few moments having fun and just enjoying each other.
Shortly after this, I was ready to come home.. over loaded with emotions and the contrast between my biologic family and this one. I recognized the contrast of trust that the children have with the parents. I recognized the ability of just having fun with each other for a while as contrast.
Then I realized that I am guilty because I envy my Friend and what she knows as Family and am jealous of her relationships. We do not presently know if these feelings are acceptable or not because they are emotions that we have been taught are completely taboo yet here they are. I do not feel negatively toward my friend or even wish that she had any other relationships rather than the ones that she has. I only wonder, is that what Family is really like and why is it that we could not have of had that? Exhausted, I'll think more on this in the morning but the really great news is that we did not switch tonight, we remained all watching the world around us with Sho in charge.
Sweet Dreams everyone.
Thursday, September 19, 2013
Monday, September 16, 2013
Sensitivity and Mental Illness
Well, it has been a very busy morning. Woke up with this blog in mind so between this and that, think I'll share it with you.
We each share traits because we are of the animal Genus labeled as Human. Within this Genus however are different races, families and backgrounds which begin separating us into various Genre within the species. We could group all persons with brown eyes into one Genre, another with red hair, another born with a birthmark, etc. What if the term mentally ill share a category or possibly is a sub category of a Genre called, "very sensitive people"?
What I've personally observed is that we, the mentally ill, share one primary and quite common trait which is being ultra sensitive to something or somethings. Some, however, may show a lack of sensitivity to something or somethings. In either case the common link is sensitivity which seems to be "normalized" among the Genre that is labeled as mentally normal people.
Most of us, the mentally ill, share a trait in which our self talk is very pronounced with the negative being the loudest. Hence we are very sensitive to the emotions produced by our self talk. A narcissist would also share this sensitivity with the understanding that it is on the opposite end of the spectrum with self praise being the loudest.
Some of us, the mentally ill, are quite sensitive to what is present within our physical environment but unseen such as a person who washes excessively. These people know that germs and creatures smaller than the eye can see are living with us and upon us at all times and are very sensitive to their being there. They express their heightened sense of awareness through trying to keep off of themselves what can not be seen therefore it is never quite clear as to if the unseen creatures are gone or still with us. Those who do not share this trait are simply less sensitive to what is unseen.
Another group, of us mentally ill, compulsively worry. We are sensitive to trying to control what might happen. We go around trying to hedge for one catastrophe or another (either physically or emotionally) that might happen. It only takes the hint of a negative to bring about an episode due to being ultra sensitive to negative events and the need to prepare for them. On the opposite side of the spectrum we see those who live for today, never give a care about tomorrow and exhibit a lack of sensitivity over the same set of possible negatives.
Genre's within this spectrum are numerous with being ultra sensitive to criticism, certain textures, certain smells, certain flavors, certain sounds etc being only a few, on one side of the scale to those who just seem oblivious on the other. The common denominator is that what always presents is being more sensitive to whatever it is than the mid line persons or those considered within the normal range.
Perhaps normal is nothing more than an average. The average person feels this way or that way or experiences this or that at 50% of how sensitives experience life?
Well, I for one do not ever want to be considered average therefore have decided to accept being ultra sensitive as my new term for being mentally ill.
Have an above average day my friends because you are beautiful just as you are.
We each share traits because we are of the animal Genus labeled as Human. Within this Genus however are different races, families and backgrounds which begin separating us into various Genre within the species. We could group all persons with brown eyes into one Genre, another with red hair, another born with a birthmark, etc. What if the term mentally ill share a category or possibly is a sub category of a Genre called, "very sensitive people"?
What I've personally observed is that we, the mentally ill, share one primary and quite common trait which is being ultra sensitive to something or somethings. Some, however, may show a lack of sensitivity to something or somethings. In either case the common link is sensitivity which seems to be "normalized" among the Genre that is labeled as mentally normal people.
Most of us, the mentally ill, share a trait in which our self talk is very pronounced with the negative being the loudest. Hence we are very sensitive to the emotions produced by our self talk. A narcissist would also share this sensitivity with the understanding that it is on the opposite end of the spectrum with self praise being the loudest.
Some of us, the mentally ill, are quite sensitive to what is present within our physical environment but unseen such as a person who washes excessively. These people know that germs and creatures smaller than the eye can see are living with us and upon us at all times and are very sensitive to their being there. They express their heightened sense of awareness through trying to keep off of themselves what can not be seen therefore it is never quite clear as to if the unseen creatures are gone or still with us. Those who do not share this trait are simply less sensitive to what is unseen.
Another group, of us mentally ill, compulsively worry. We are sensitive to trying to control what might happen. We go around trying to hedge for one catastrophe or another (either physically or emotionally) that might happen. It only takes the hint of a negative to bring about an episode due to being ultra sensitive to negative events and the need to prepare for them. On the opposite side of the spectrum we see those who live for today, never give a care about tomorrow and exhibit a lack of sensitivity over the same set of possible negatives.
Genre's within this spectrum are numerous with being ultra sensitive to criticism, certain textures, certain smells, certain flavors, certain sounds etc being only a few, on one side of the scale to those who just seem oblivious on the other. The common denominator is that what always presents is being more sensitive to whatever it is than the mid line persons or those considered within the normal range.
Perhaps normal is nothing more than an average. The average person feels this way or that way or experiences this or that at 50% of how sensitives experience life?
Well, I for one do not ever want to be considered average therefore have decided to accept being ultra sensitive as my new term for being mentally ill.
Have an above average day my friends because you are beautiful just as you are.
Saturday, September 7, 2013
Don't Lie to Me
Everyone's life needs simple rules. Too many rules and they are hard to remember. Too few rules and they can not be enough to navigate the world. Which may be the case for us.
I/we have ONE RULE: DO NOT LIE TO ME/US
It is so simple that it is amazingly hard to follow for those around us. Now a lie which turns out to simply be that the situation changed but I was told right away is not considered " A LIE". A situation where the person thought it was the truth but later found out it was different is also not considered "A LIE".
What is considered "A LIE"? Any untruth or half truth or withheld truth which would or is concealed due to the with-holder being afraid that telling the truth may impact themselves negatively.
By telling a lie the other demonstrates several traits which are contradictory to a continued relationship (at least in its former state). The traits would consist of but are not limited to a lack of trust, lack of prudence, and a lack of understanding that we did not lie when we said that we have ONE RULE.
Sigh... so life is simple... just ONE RULE which governs all decisions regarding our relationships with others. We abide by the rule and it should not be unreasonable to expect reciprocation.
Now there are 11 rules that we govern our own life with but just ONE for relationships with other.
I/we have ONE RULE: DO NOT LIE TO ME/US
It is so simple that it is amazingly hard to follow for those around us. Now a lie which turns out to simply be that the situation changed but I was told right away is not considered " A LIE". A situation where the person thought it was the truth but later found out it was different is also not considered "A LIE".
What is considered "A LIE"? Any untruth or half truth or withheld truth which would or is concealed due to the with-holder being afraid that telling the truth may impact themselves negatively.
By telling a lie the other demonstrates several traits which are contradictory to a continued relationship (at least in its former state). The traits would consist of but are not limited to a lack of trust, lack of prudence, and a lack of understanding that we did not lie when we said that we have ONE RULE.
Sigh... so life is simple... just ONE RULE which governs all decisions regarding our relationships with others. We abide by the rule and it should not be unreasonable to expect reciprocation.
Now there are 11 rules that we govern our own life with but just ONE for relationships with other.
Thursday, September 5, 2013
Body Image
I often wonder what my body looks like to others. This is less important than how it looks to me, however. Really I do not know and imagine how it looks like to me which from my mentally ill brain is so hideous that pictures with me in it have been quite rare during the past 6 years or so.
The past few days, I've been working on a few things internally which has brought me here to this contemplation of the morning. I've been actively working on making peace with my/our past. I've been looking at all of the people who have hurt me and saying to them internally: "I love you unconditionally. I forgive you. Now, go and "sin" no more. Which is to say, I love and forgive you now go on from my life and we hope you do not do this to anyone else, won't have the opportunity to do it to us again. It is also easier for me to do this than most others because I currently do not need to be face to face or even phone to phone in contact with those who have hurt me. Some issues are easy but others I feel this "hitch" when saying this internally to that person so there is work to be done before this can be said truthfully. Perhaps it is because some people there are multiple hurts so I need to forgive each one rather than a blanket statement? I've also been forcing my mind to remember 3 successes vividly for every failure that it runs through. My body image, I suppose is next.
Firstly, my entire body is in pain (the soft muscle tissue) due to visiting a couple of different friends over the weekend. Visiting is difficult, but necessary for socialization, due to a strange allergy which is any product which uses Febreze. sigh. It is a wonderful product especially for those of us with house pets but it takes several days of pain to get the effects of coming into contact with it out of my system. Often, I do not even realize what has happened for a day or so after coming into contact with it then the realization hits that we went somewhere different and they must use Febreze. I use to ask my friends, which it was confirmed each time that this was the case, but I don't do this any longer because my friends then worry about inviting me over or they stop using a product that they love. Neither of these options are good ones so it is best that I just don't say anything and try to either have them come over here for visits or meet somewhere, preferably out of doors. You can imagine with so many places using this product to control odors, our life is probably similar to trying to deal with a gluten allergy or any other allergy to a common product. It will take a few more days, we have increased the benedryll so will sleep more but then this will pass. Not nearly as acute as the onset of the allergy (I've not always been allergic to the product but they must have changed the formula about 9 or 10 years ago) which took injections directly into my muscles to get any relief after a major morning of cleaning my own home. I've heard that they have the "old" formula available and might look into that because I miss the clean smell, having 2 house dogs of our own.
Anyway, back to what I did not want to talk about. My body. I think the decision has been reached that we can't live our life without it. (laughing here) Also the decision has been reached that we don't feel this way about anyone else. Doesn't matter, big or small, make up or none, expensive clothing or sweats, hair fresh from the beauty shop or pulled into a pony tail, really does not matter at all how other people are because it is their heart that I look at when making a decision about becoming friends. Of all the people that I know, our heart is HUGE, loving, kind, caring and all of the other traits that we look for in others so why be so difficult to make friends with myself? This is the question of the day.
Wishing everyone a day of being at peace with themselves.
The past few days, I've been working on a few things internally which has brought me here to this contemplation of the morning. I've been actively working on making peace with my/our past. I've been looking at all of the people who have hurt me and saying to them internally: "I love you unconditionally. I forgive you. Now, go and "sin" no more. Which is to say, I love and forgive you now go on from my life and we hope you do not do this to anyone else, won't have the opportunity to do it to us again. It is also easier for me to do this than most others because I currently do not need to be face to face or even phone to phone in contact with those who have hurt me. Some issues are easy but others I feel this "hitch" when saying this internally to that person so there is work to be done before this can be said truthfully. Perhaps it is because some people there are multiple hurts so I need to forgive each one rather than a blanket statement? I've also been forcing my mind to remember 3 successes vividly for every failure that it runs through. My body image, I suppose is next.
Firstly, my entire body is in pain (the soft muscle tissue) due to visiting a couple of different friends over the weekend. Visiting is difficult, but necessary for socialization, due to a strange allergy which is any product which uses Febreze. sigh. It is a wonderful product especially for those of us with house pets but it takes several days of pain to get the effects of coming into contact with it out of my system. Often, I do not even realize what has happened for a day or so after coming into contact with it then the realization hits that we went somewhere different and they must use Febreze. I use to ask my friends, which it was confirmed each time that this was the case, but I don't do this any longer because my friends then worry about inviting me over or they stop using a product that they love. Neither of these options are good ones so it is best that I just don't say anything and try to either have them come over here for visits or meet somewhere, preferably out of doors. You can imagine with so many places using this product to control odors, our life is probably similar to trying to deal with a gluten allergy or any other allergy to a common product. It will take a few more days, we have increased the benedryll so will sleep more but then this will pass. Not nearly as acute as the onset of the allergy (I've not always been allergic to the product but they must have changed the formula about 9 or 10 years ago) which took injections directly into my muscles to get any relief after a major morning of cleaning my own home. I've heard that they have the "old" formula available and might look into that because I miss the clean smell, having 2 house dogs of our own.
Anyway, back to what I did not want to talk about. My body. I think the decision has been reached that we can't live our life without it. (laughing here) Also the decision has been reached that we don't feel this way about anyone else. Doesn't matter, big or small, make up or none, expensive clothing or sweats, hair fresh from the beauty shop or pulled into a pony tail, really does not matter at all how other people are because it is their heart that I look at when making a decision about becoming friends. Of all the people that I know, our heart is HUGE, loving, kind, caring and all of the other traits that we look for in others so why be so difficult to make friends with myself? This is the question of the day.
Wishing everyone a day of being at peace with themselves.
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