I am guilty

Tonight I went to a wedding.  We dressed in black and red as requested, I wore makeup, heels and my hair was back in a banana clip nicely straightened rather than pulled up into a pony tail.  I bathed in lavender bubble bath right before going and used mouth wash and brushed my teeth within minutes of leaving the house but still the cloud of social anxiety over shadowed. 

I spoke with Party Girl and all of the others, asking for help as I, Sho the core, am not accustom to going to an outing with a lot of other people.  They calmly stayed near me, at the ready if I could not handle it but we did. 

This time, however, we saw things that we have never seen before.  It is so very confusing because I/we try to hard not to be envious or jealous yet tonight I sat at the table and wondered about this family and IF that is what family is suppose to be like. 

We watched as the wedding party danced with the Dad then the Mom then we watched as everyone danced a line dance, including the parents.  We watched as everyone formed a circle so people could dance in the middle (don't know what it is called) and both the Mother, Father and Siblings all danced for a few moments having fun and just enjoying each other. 

Shortly after this, I was ready to come home.. over loaded with emotions and the contrast between my biologic family and this one.  I recognized the contrast of trust that the children have with the parents.  I recognized the ability of just having fun with each other for a while as contrast.

Then I realized that I am guilty because I envy my Friend and what she knows as Family and am jealous of her relationships.  We do not presently know if these feelings are acceptable or not because they are emotions that we have been taught are completely taboo yet here they are.  I do not feel negatively toward my friend or even wish that she had any other relationships rather than the ones that she has.  I only wonder, is that what Family is really like and why is it that we could not have of had that?  Exhausted, I'll think more on this in the morning but the really great news is that we did not switch tonight, we remained all watching the world around us with Sho in charge.

Sweet Dreams everyone.