Body Image

I often wonder what my body looks like to others.  This is less important than how it looks to me, however.  Really I do not know and imagine how it looks like to me which from my mentally ill brain is so hideous that pictures with me in it have been quite rare during the past 6 years or so. 

The past few days, I've been working on a few things internally which has brought me here to this contemplation of the morning.  I've been actively working on making peace with my/our past.  I've been looking at all of the people who have hurt me and saying to them internally:  "I love you unconditionally.  I forgive you.  Now, go and "sin" no more.  Which is to say, I love and forgive you now go on from my life and we hope you do not do this to anyone else, won't have the opportunity to do it to us again.  It is also easier for me to do this than most others because I currently do not need to be face to face or even phone to phone in contact with those who have hurt me.  Some issues are easy but others I feel this "hitch" when saying this internally to that person so there is work to be done before this can be said truthfully.  Perhaps it is because some people there are multiple hurts so I need to forgive each one rather than a blanket statement?  I've also been forcing my mind to remember 3 successes vividly for every failure that it runs through.  My body image, I suppose is next. 

Firstly, my entire body is in pain (the soft muscle tissue) due to visiting a couple of different friends over the weekend.  Visiting is difficult, but necessary for socialization, due to a strange allergy which is any product which uses Febreze.  sigh.  It is a wonderful product especially for those of us with house pets but it takes several days of pain to get the effects of coming into contact with it out of my system.  Often, I do not even realize what has happened for a day or so after coming into contact with it then the realization hits that we went somewhere different and they must use Febreze.  I use to ask my friends, which it was confirmed each time that this was the case, but I don't do this any longer because my friends then worry about inviting me over or they stop using a product that they love.  Neither of these options are good ones so it is best that I just don't say anything and try to either have them come over here for visits or meet somewhere, preferably out of doors.  You can imagine with so many places using this product to control odors, our life is probably similar to trying to deal with a gluten allergy or any other allergy to a common product.  It will take a few more days, we have increased the benedryll so will sleep more but then this will pass.  Not nearly as acute as the onset of the allergy (I've not always been allergic to the product but they must have changed the formula about 9 or 10 years ago) which took injections directly into my muscles to get any relief after a major morning of cleaning my own home.  I've heard that they have the "old" formula available and might look into that because I miss the clean smell, having 2 house dogs of our own. 

Anyway, back to what I did not want to talk about.  My body.  I think the decision has been reached that we can't live our life without it.  (laughing here) Also the decision has been reached that we don't feel this way about anyone else.  Doesn't matter, big or small, make up or none, expensive clothing or sweats, hair fresh from the beauty shop or pulled into a pony tail, really does not matter at all how other people are because it is their heart that I look at when making a decision about becoming friends.  Of all the people that I know, our heart is HUGE, loving, kind, caring and all of the other traits that we look for in others so why be so difficult to make friends with myself?  This is the question of the day. 

Wishing everyone a day of being at peace with themselves.