The Mean Season is Upon Us - AGAIN

Hold onto your hats boys and girls the "mean" season is upon us.  The Holidays are here and no matter how many years we practice, here they come as we are caught unaware up into the spidery web of the most "joyous" time of the year.

What is clinical depression?  It is easier to say what it is not.  Depression is NOT:  Negativity, having a bad day, grief, a tantrum, something others can easily see (when we get really good at "stuffing" it for everyone else's sake), something anyone else can "fix", or an excuse for bad behavior.  It is a constant (in the back ground) feeling of being "low" which ebbs and flows through out our days. 

Others can help simply by being aware that their loved one's brain is wired differently OR spurts out chemicals in a different quantity than theirs.  People who know that we "suffer", often in complete silence, can simply be aware and be patient.  A lot of information is available today to help those with clinical depression learn coping skills.  Ultimately, is our responsibility to respond to this condition when it rears its ugly head up high enough that it is affecting our daily lives.  Sometimes medication is the answer but many of us choose to "deal" with the lows without medication due to the side effects.  Sometimes an upbeat musical selection, meditation, walks, exercise, enjoying our pets or many other outside influences are the answer to beginning the climb out of the pit. 

The key to the above paragraph is that we are RESPONSIBLE for dealing with it.  This means taking time out to recenter, find our bearings, realize what is really happening within us and then manage it.

This is nothing more than a reminder to myself and all those that I love with this condition to be ready with your personal survival kit (whatever it contains) and use it when ever necessary.

This too will soon pass................. enjoy the days when that monster is subdued........ address it when it is not and take multitudes of pictures capturing the GREAT days because they come in handy.

Hugs xoxoxo

October 29, 2013

Scared - My only enemy is FEAR

I've adopted a new saying.  It is very true.  I don't really concern myself with who likes or dislikes me.  Yes, I love having mutually enjoyable company but the other, well it seems like wasted energy.  My new life theme is:  I only have one enemy and its name is Fear.  This works for me as the theme of my life has been fear in one form or another almost daily until 2 years ago (28 months, 22 days and 12 hours to be more exact).

What happened two years ago?  For all intense and purposes, I committed suicide without dying.  It was necessary to live.  I left everything and everyone (except my Life Partner) behind and one by one, in the best way that I knew how, died to them.  Slowly over the past two years the fear has subsided to the point of actually having days when it is barely present. 

The final phase of this undying suicide will be attempting to get my social security number changed and then a name change to follow.  I can have no life without fear without accomplishing these final endings.  Why?  I am in a strange holding type of place, unwilling to go backward and road blocks going forward. 

If I go forward the fear, based on past experience, is that my earning power will once again be used.  I can not repair my credit for this same reason.  As long as my credit is trash it can not be used to create more debt without my knowledge.  Even if my 3rd told me that he would not use any favorable resources that I might have, I would not believe it.  I believed that was impossible once but never again.  Even if he were sincere, sad isn't it?  So because I refuse to initiate divorce, contact him in any way even through people we once knew in common, or believe any kindness that does not have an ulterior motive there are few other avenues available except to attempt to finish off the person I once was legally. 

Changing my social security number, if they will allow it without my being required any contact with him, will be a step toward claiming a new life.  I can then be assured that he will not have the new number and it will be obvious if he attempts to access any records of mine.  He will also be unable to sneak further attempts at making me responsible for his tax situation through the Governmental cracks by continuing to claim me as joint/married.  I can then be free to take care of the debt that I've allowed to just stagnate as my way of stopping him from using me financially in the present.  This would go a very long way toward reclaiming my self esteem.  I hate not taking care of business on purpose, it is the same as theft no matter how I turn it over in my mind. 

The next step would be a legal name change which would or should complete the death of the person I was. 

I have no desire to "hide" from any responsibilities that are owed or owned.  I have a keen desire to go forward with my life, take care of my former responsibilities and stop living with this type of fear.  I suppose what is spurring this to the surface is that I need to change my drivers license and the moment that hits the public records............... he will know exactly where I am.

It is time to do something so we will see what is possible.

The only enemy that I have is Fear and it is time to address it in any passive way I can.

 

Living with Purpose

What is it that I've lost?  Dealing with so many losses, what is it that I have learned?

With each loss came a loss of the purpose that was attached to it.  Not only did I lose something in the way of a relationship, I lost my own personal purpose regarding it. 

When we ask ourselves, 'what is my purpose'?  This question can not be answered simply because life is not any less simple than we are. 

We have a purpose regarding virtually everything within our day.  Each of these purposes, if interrupted can create a feeling of unease.  For instance, my morning routine includes getting up pouring a cup of coffee which is already brewed by the coffee pot set for a certain time.  Generally this is one of my first purposes of the day.  If this coffee pot (due to my consumption it happens that I lose a coffee pot about once a year) does not have my rich, brown, steamy brew ready a ripple begins.  The purpose of my morning has been interrupted. 

With each loss, I have experienced an interruption in my purpose attached to that choice. 

We are programed to have purpose unlike any other animal on the Earth, living without one or feeling unsatisfied by the purposes currently engaging in brings about an unease very difficult to live with.  Worse yet is feeling as if any endeavor is doomed to fail.  The longer we live without fully dedicating ourselves to a life purpose the worse the affliction becomes. 

Every purpose can be accomplished with gusto, passion, dedication or it can be simply accomplished with very little thought.  Every purpose is important and how much life it gives back to us is completely dependent upon the thought we give to it.  What it gives back is dependent upon our joy received while accomplishing this purpose and when we are fortunate, seeing it to completion.  Many purposes however, are perpetual.  The joy of accomplishing a perpetual purpose is received by watching it grow, thrive and live independently because of our efforts. 

Losing a purpose through any means is difficult.  The most learned people have said that it takes us about a year to recover from any one lost purpose and sometimes longer depending upon the particular nature of it.  Letting one go from our psyche is not an easy event because without our realizing it, we built a life (sometimes short, sometimes life long) around that purpose.  Be easy on yourself if this has happened to you and it matters not what that purpose was, only that it was a purpose for you. 

What we decide to do after a loss of purpose will set into motion the next days of our life.  Until we mourn that loss and take up a new purpose with passion, gusto and dedication the depression can and probably will continue. 

Depression is an ugly internal monster which can become so oppressive as to shroud any purpose we mentally concoct.  It will bring about all of our past hurts and eventually we become its slave with no hope, no purpose, no life.  I view it as an evil monster of which I can not see but I know it is there as surely as a family member living under my roof.  

Purpose will drive out that monster.  It will not shut it up but it will drive it out if that purpose is seen to with dedication, passion and gusto.  Eventually we will stop and realize that the purpose itself has driven the monster out.  We stopped paying attention to it, feeding it, by ignoring its attempt to stop us from pursuing the purpose. 

It does not matter if the purpose will be seen or even appreciated by the world.  The purpose itself gives us life. 



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I have only one enemy and that enemies name is fear.

The Team

Human's are pack animals.  It is in our very dna to be a part of a pack for our very survival.  Written and encoded deep within each of us long ago is a structure which instinctively guarantees the survival of our species.  It is so beautifully written that we have evolved to the point (along with our mental ability to plan for the future) of human beings enjoying the status of being at the top of the very food chain. 

When we become involved in a relationship, we form a team, or a pack, with the members of the "family" working toward a goal or two or possibly a hundred, the point being that we work as a team toward common goals.  If this relationship dissolves for any reason the common goals are now left in the wind, unfinished.

The dissolution may happen with the death of one of the team members or through a divorce (decision not to continue in the relationship by any party).  It really does not matter why one (or more) of the parties is no longer continuing their part of the common goal, the fact is that a piece of the plan to meet the goal is lost.  At this point the process of achieving the end goal is in crisis or is dissolved along with the lost relationship.  When a child transitions through death this is the case, the end goal of watching that child grow into whatever s/he is destine to become is gone along with our part within this particular team.  In the case of a marriage (including life partnerships) the common goals are also now irrelevant.

I believe this is why so many of us stay in a bad relationship for much longer than those around us believe prudent.  Those outside of this team are not privy to the goals, dreams and desires which were born of this relationship.  Often we stay not for our team mates but for the goal itself.  This is seen quite clearly in the case of Parents who remain together for the sake of the children then part when the children are grown.

When a team ceases to exist we often grieve the loss of the partner in many ways but do we also spend time understanding and grieving the common lost goals?  In my personal case, I decided that many of the goals of my team mate (Husband) were not ones in which I wished to participate but there were others which were very important to me.  To stop participating in some of the common goals, I had to choose to also stop participating in the goals which were important to me.  The lack of this understanding almost killed me.

We are instinctively team players by design.  This is what I personally miss about not working outside of the home.  It is not the money because that can be made in many ways but it is that working together on a common goal with others.  It is being a part of the team.  This I did not have as a child, for whatever reason (perhaps to come to this very understanding).  I never felt a part of the family team, an outcast, one that was there to support but not be a part of the team itself.  As an adult, no one had explained this important portion of our genetic make up therefore I did not fully grieve all portions of lost relationships including those of my childhood.

The relationship I am in currently provides every ingredient required to be a full team of two.  We work hard toward common goals, each doing our part to make it happen.  She is the primary wage earner but she also is very sensitive to my own personal part toward achieving our goals.  She makes certain that I know how very important I am to our success.  It is almost foreign to every other relationship in my life, except for a portion of time spent while being a part of helping a company recover from bankruptcy (oh that was FUN).

Often, I jump too quickly into a situation due to this need to be a part of a team.  All it has taken is having that feeling of being a part of the team and off I go full blast to help someone else achieve a goal.  This has been abused more times than I can count by others simply wanting to use me.  Afterwards I sit, crying, and scratching my head while trying to figure out what I did wrong when in actuality I did nothing wrong, I just was not a part of the team.

Oh how I hate being the kid that no one picked to be on their side until only two or three of us were left standing on the line waiting to be chosen.  As an adult, I still hate this feeling.

How is this understanding going to help?  Still trying to figure that out this morning but perhaps by clearly seeing which goals are mine jointly and which I am just trying to fill a gap within myself we will figure this thing out.

Team Sho....... you are first pick!!!!   Whatever we choose as a goal... we can do this... LIFE.... together.   Today I will be working on my own personal, life mission statement.

For those of us who are lost... this has really helped me.... going to share it with you.