The Mean Season is Upon Us - AGAIN

Hold onto your hats boys and girls the "mean" season is upon us.  The Holidays are here and no matter how many years we practice, here they come as we are caught unaware up into the spidery web of the most "joyous" time of the year.

What is clinical depression?  It is easier to say what it is not.  Depression is NOT:  Negativity, having a bad day, grief, a tantrum, something others can easily see (when we get really good at "stuffing" it for everyone else's sake), something anyone else can "fix", or an excuse for bad behavior.  It is a constant (in the back ground) feeling of being "low" which ebbs and flows through out our days. 

Others can help simply by being aware that their loved one's brain is wired differently OR spurts out chemicals in a different quantity than theirs.  People who know that we "suffer", often in complete silence, can simply be aware and be patient.  A lot of information is available today to help those with clinical depression learn coping skills.  Ultimately, is our responsibility to respond to this condition when it rears its ugly head up high enough that it is affecting our daily lives.  Sometimes medication is the answer but many of us choose to "deal" with the lows without medication due to the side effects.  Sometimes an upbeat musical selection, meditation, walks, exercise, enjoying our pets or many other outside influences are the answer to beginning the climb out of the pit. 

The key to the above paragraph is that we are RESPONSIBLE for dealing with it.  This means taking time out to recenter, find our bearings, realize what is really happening within us and then manage it.

This is nothing more than a reminder to myself and all those that I love with this condition to be ready with your personal survival kit (whatever it contains) and use it when ever necessary.

This too will soon pass................. enjoy the days when that monster is subdued........ address it when it is not and take multitudes of pictures capturing the GREAT days because they come in handy.

Hugs xoxoxo

October 29, 2013

Scared - My only enemy is FEAR

I've adopted a new saying.  It is very true.  I don't really concern myself with who likes or dislikes me.  Yes, I love having mutually enjoyable company but the other, well it seems like wasted energy.  My new life theme is:  I only have one enemy and its name is Fear.  This works for me as the theme of my life has been fear in one form or another almost daily until 2 years ago (28 months, 22 days and 12 hours to be more exact).

What happened two years ago?  For all intense and purposes, I committed suicide without dying.  It was necessary to live.  I left everything and everyone (except my Life Partner) behind and one by one, in the best way that I knew how, died to them.  Slowly over the past two years the fear has subsided to the point of actually having days when it is barely present. 

The final phase of this undying suicide will be attempting to get my social security number changed and then a name change to follow.  I can have no life without fear without accomplishing these final endings.  Why?  I am in a strange holding type of place, unwilling to go backward and road blocks going forward. 

If I go forward the fear, based on past experience, is that my earning power will once again be used.  I can not repair my credit for this same reason.  As long as my credit is trash it can not be used to create more debt without my knowledge.  Even if my 3rd told me that he would not use any favorable resources that I might have, I would not believe it.  I believed that was impossible once but never again.  Even if he were sincere, sad isn't it?  So because I refuse to initiate divorce, contact him in any way even through people we once knew in common, or believe any kindness that does not have an ulterior motive there are few other avenues available except to attempt to finish off the person I once was legally. 

Changing my social security number, if they will allow it without my being required any contact with him, will be a step toward claiming a new life.  I can then be assured that he will not have the new number and it will be obvious if he attempts to access any records of mine.  He will also be unable to sneak further attempts at making me responsible for his tax situation through the Governmental cracks by continuing to claim me as joint/married.  I can then be free to take care of the debt that I've allowed to just stagnate as my way of stopping him from using me financially in the present.  This would go a very long way toward reclaiming my self esteem.  I hate not taking care of business on purpose, it is the same as theft no matter how I turn it over in my mind. 

The next step would be a legal name change which would or should complete the death of the person I was. 

I have no desire to "hide" from any responsibilities that are owed or owned.  I have a keen desire to go forward with my life, take care of my former responsibilities and stop living with this type of fear.  I suppose what is spurring this to the surface is that I need to change my drivers license and the moment that hits the public records............... he will know exactly where I am.

It is time to do something so we will see what is possible.

The only enemy that I have is Fear and it is time to address it in any passive way I can.

 

Living with Purpose

What is it that I've lost?  Dealing with so many losses, what is it that I have learned?

With each loss came a loss of the purpose that was attached to it.  Not only did I lose something in the way of a relationship, I lost my own personal purpose regarding it. 

When we ask ourselves, 'what is my purpose'?  This question can not be answered simply because life is not any less simple than we are. 

We have a purpose regarding virtually everything within our day.  Each of these purposes, if interrupted can create a feeling of unease.  For instance, my morning routine includes getting up pouring a cup of coffee which is already brewed by the coffee pot set for a certain time.  Generally this is one of my first purposes of the day.  If this coffee pot (due to my consumption it happens that I lose a coffee pot about once a year) does not have my rich, brown, steamy brew ready a ripple begins.  The purpose of my morning has been interrupted. 

With each loss, I have experienced an interruption in my purpose attached to that choice. 

We are programed to have purpose unlike any other animal on the Earth, living without one or feeling unsatisfied by the purposes currently engaging in brings about an unease very difficult to live with.  Worse yet is feeling as if any endeavor is doomed to fail.  The longer we live without fully dedicating ourselves to a life purpose the worse the affliction becomes. 

Every purpose can be accomplished with gusto, passion, dedication or it can be simply accomplished with very little thought.  Every purpose is important and how much life it gives back to us is completely dependent upon the thought we give to it.  What it gives back is dependent upon our joy received while accomplishing this purpose and when we are fortunate, seeing it to completion.  Many purposes however, are perpetual.  The joy of accomplishing a perpetual purpose is received by watching it grow, thrive and live independently because of our efforts. 

Losing a purpose through any means is difficult.  The most learned people have said that it takes us about a year to recover from any one lost purpose and sometimes longer depending upon the particular nature of it.  Letting one go from our psyche is not an easy event because without our realizing it, we built a life (sometimes short, sometimes life long) around that purpose.  Be easy on yourself if this has happened to you and it matters not what that purpose was, only that it was a purpose for you. 

What we decide to do after a loss of purpose will set into motion the next days of our life.  Until we mourn that loss and take up a new purpose with passion, gusto and dedication the depression can and probably will continue. 

Depression is an ugly internal monster which can become so oppressive as to shroud any purpose we mentally concoct.  It will bring about all of our past hurts and eventually we become its slave with no hope, no purpose, no life.  I view it as an evil monster of which I can not see but I know it is there as surely as a family member living under my roof.  

Purpose will drive out that monster.  It will not shut it up but it will drive it out if that purpose is seen to with dedication, passion and gusto.  Eventually we will stop and realize that the purpose itself has driven the monster out.  We stopped paying attention to it, feeding it, by ignoring its attempt to stop us from pursuing the purpose. 

It does not matter if the purpose will be seen or even appreciated by the world.  The purpose itself gives us life. 



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I have only one enemy and that enemies name is fear.

The Team

Human's are pack animals.  It is in our very dna to be a part of a pack for our very survival.  Written and encoded deep within each of us long ago is a structure which instinctively guarantees the survival of our species.  It is so beautifully written that we have evolved to the point (along with our mental ability to plan for the future) of human beings enjoying the status of being at the top of the very food chain. 

When we become involved in a relationship, we form a team, or a pack, with the members of the "family" working toward a goal or two or possibly a hundred, the point being that we work as a team toward common goals.  If this relationship dissolves for any reason the common goals are now left in the wind, unfinished.

The dissolution may happen with the death of one of the team members or through a divorce (decision not to continue in the relationship by any party).  It really does not matter why one (or more) of the parties is no longer continuing their part of the common goal, the fact is that a piece of the plan to meet the goal is lost.  At this point the process of achieving the end goal is in crisis or is dissolved along with the lost relationship.  When a child transitions through death this is the case, the end goal of watching that child grow into whatever s/he is destine to become is gone along with our part within this particular team.  In the case of a marriage (including life partnerships) the common goals are also now irrelevant.

I believe this is why so many of us stay in a bad relationship for much longer than those around us believe prudent.  Those outside of this team are not privy to the goals, dreams and desires which were born of this relationship.  Often we stay not for our team mates but for the goal itself.  This is seen quite clearly in the case of Parents who remain together for the sake of the children then part when the children are grown.

When a team ceases to exist we often grieve the loss of the partner in many ways but do we also spend time understanding and grieving the common lost goals?  In my personal case, I decided that many of the goals of my team mate (Husband) were not ones in which I wished to participate but there were others which were very important to me.  To stop participating in some of the common goals, I had to choose to also stop participating in the goals which were important to me.  The lack of this understanding almost killed me.

We are instinctively team players by design.  This is what I personally miss about not working outside of the home.  It is not the money because that can be made in many ways but it is that working together on a common goal with others.  It is being a part of the team.  This I did not have as a child, for whatever reason (perhaps to come to this very understanding).  I never felt a part of the family team, an outcast, one that was there to support but not be a part of the team itself.  As an adult, no one had explained this important portion of our genetic make up therefore I did not fully grieve all portions of lost relationships including those of my childhood.

The relationship I am in currently provides every ingredient required to be a full team of two.  We work hard toward common goals, each doing our part to make it happen.  She is the primary wage earner but she also is very sensitive to my own personal part toward achieving our goals.  She makes certain that I know how very important I am to our success.  It is almost foreign to every other relationship in my life, except for a portion of time spent while being a part of helping a company recover from bankruptcy (oh that was FUN).

Often, I jump too quickly into a situation due to this need to be a part of a team.  All it has taken is having that feeling of being a part of the team and off I go full blast to help someone else achieve a goal.  This has been abused more times than I can count by others simply wanting to use me.  Afterwards I sit, crying, and scratching my head while trying to figure out what I did wrong when in actuality I did nothing wrong, I just was not a part of the team.

Oh how I hate being the kid that no one picked to be on their side until only two or three of us were left standing on the line waiting to be chosen.  As an adult, I still hate this feeling.

How is this understanding going to help?  Still trying to figure that out this morning but perhaps by clearly seeing which goals are mine jointly and which I am just trying to fill a gap within myself we will figure this thing out.

Team Sho....... you are first pick!!!!   Whatever we choose as a goal... we can do this... LIFE.... together.   Today I will be working on my own personal, life mission statement.

For those of us who are lost... this has really helped me.... going to share it with you.

I am guilty

Tonight I went to a wedding.  We dressed in black and red as requested, I wore makeup, heels and my hair was back in a banana clip nicely straightened rather than pulled up into a pony tail.  I bathed in lavender bubble bath right before going and used mouth wash and brushed my teeth within minutes of leaving the house but still the cloud of social anxiety over shadowed. 

I spoke with Party Girl and all of the others, asking for help as I, Sho the core, am not accustom to going to an outing with a lot of other people.  They calmly stayed near me, at the ready if I could not handle it but we did. 

This time, however, we saw things that we have never seen before.  It is so very confusing because I/we try to hard not to be envious or jealous yet tonight I sat at the table and wondered about this family and IF that is what family is suppose to be like. 

We watched as the wedding party danced with the Dad then the Mom then we watched as everyone danced a line dance, including the parents.  We watched as everyone formed a circle so people could dance in the middle (don't know what it is called) and both the Mother, Father and Siblings all danced for a few moments having fun and just enjoying each other. 

Shortly after this, I was ready to come home.. over loaded with emotions and the contrast between my biologic family and this one.  I recognized the contrast of trust that the children have with the parents.  I recognized the ability of just having fun with each other for a while as contrast.

Then I realized that I am guilty because I envy my Friend and what she knows as Family and am jealous of her relationships.  We do not presently know if these feelings are acceptable or not because they are emotions that we have been taught are completely taboo yet here they are.  I do not feel negatively toward my friend or even wish that she had any other relationships rather than the ones that she has.  I only wonder, is that what Family is really like and why is it that we could not have of had that?  Exhausted, I'll think more on this in the morning but the really great news is that we did not switch tonight, we remained all watching the world around us with Sho in charge.

Sweet Dreams everyone. 

Sensitivity and Mental Illness

Well, it has been a very busy morning.  Woke up with this blog in mind so between this and that, think I'll share it with you. 

We each share traits because we are of the animal Genus labeled as Human.  Within this Genus however are different races, families and backgrounds which begin separating us into various Genre within the species.  We could group all persons with brown eyes into one Genre, another with red hair, another born with a birthmark, etc.  What if the term mentally ill share a category or possibly is a sub category of a Genre called, "very sensitive people"? 

What I've personally observed is that we, the mentally ill, share one primary and quite common trait which is being ultra sensitive to something or somethings.  Some, however, may show a lack of sensitivity to something or somethings.  In either case the common link is sensitivity which seems to be "normalized" among the Genre that is labeled as mentally normal people.

Most of us, the mentally ill, share a trait in which our self talk is very pronounced with the negative being the loudest.  Hence we are very sensitive to the emotions produced by our self talk.  A narcissist would also share this sensitivity with the understanding that it is on the opposite end of the spectrum with self praise being the loudest.

Some of us, the mentally ill, are quite sensitive to what is present within our physical environment but unseen such as a person who washes excessively.  These people know that germs and creatures smaller than the eye can see are living with us and upon us at all times and are very sensitive to their being there.  They express their heightened sense of awareness through trying to keep off of themselves what can not be seen therefore it is never quite clear as to if the unseen creatures are gone or still with us.  Those who do not share this trait are simply less sensitive to what is unseen.

Another group, of us mentally ill, compulsively worry.  We are sensitive to trying to control what might happen.  We go around trying to hedge for one catastrophe or another (either physically or emotionally) that might happen.  It only takes the hint of a negative to bring about an episode due to being ultra sensitive to negative events and the need to prepare for them.  On the opposite side of the spectrum we see those who live for today, never give a care about tomorrow and exhibit a lack of sensitivity over the same set of possible negatives.

Genre's within this spectrum are numerous with being ultra sensitive to criticism, certain textures, certain smells, certain flavors, certain sounds etc being only a few, on one side of the scale to those who just seem oblivious on the other.  The common denominator is that what always presents is being more sensitive to whatever it is than the mid line persons or those considered within the normal range.

Perhaps normal is nothing more than an average.  The average person feels this way or that way or experiences this or that at 50% of how sensitives experience life?

Well, I for one do not ever want to be considered average therefore have decided to accept being ultra sensitive as my new term for being mentally ill.

Have an above average day my friends because you are beautiful just as you are.   

Don't Lie to Me

Everyone's life needs simple rules.  Too many rules and they are hard to remember.  Too few rules and they can not be enough to navigate the world.  Which may be the case for us.

I/we have ONE RULE:   DO NOT LIE TO ME/US

It is so simple that it is amazingly hard to follow for those around us.  Now a lie which turns out to simply be that the situation changed but I was told right away is not considered " A LIE".  A situation where the person thought it was the truth but later found out it was different is also not considered "A LIE". 

What is considered "A LIE"?  Any untruth or half truth or withheld truth which would or is concealed due to the with-holder being afraid that telling the truth may impact themselves negatively.

By telling a lie the other demonstrates several traits which are contradictory to a continued relationship (at least in its former state).  The traits would consist of but are not limited to a lack of trust, lack of prudence, and a lack of understanding that we did not lie when we said that we have ONE RULE.

Sigh... so life is simple... just ONE RULE which governs all decisions regarding our relationships with others.  We abide by the rule and it should not be unreasonable to expect reciprocation. 

Now there are 11 rules that we govern our own life with but just ONE for relationships with other.